OS-01: Paul's secret

Twelve-year-old Paul clung to the bed scared, confused, humiliated and slightly bleeding...

OS-01: Paul's secret
Our Stories

Dave, a rambunctious domineering teenager, hopped out the window and ran away as the car pulled into the drive way. Twelve-year-old Paul clung to the bed scared, confused, humiliated and slightly bleeding a bit from his rectum. When he heard the car door slam, Paul jumped to attention. He snapped into performance mode making sure that everything on the outside was in tact, in place, and where it was supposed to be. He dried the tears from his eyes and ran to the bathroom to wash his face with cold water. As he opened the door he initiated his acting skills for his performance on center stage. His father towered above him with his usual stern look.

“Have you done your chores yet?”

“No, not yet. I am heading out to the garden to chop the weeds now.”

“Why are you so slow? School’s been out for an hour. Son! if you’re lazy like this you’ll never amount to anything in life.”

“Yes sir.”

Paul felt intimidated by his father. However, like any little boy he wanted his father’s love and approval. Paul was a pastor’s kid. In this world of scrutiny and performance everything had to look great on the outside to demonstrate to everyone looking that God was working in their life, a model family. Paul hated it and wished he could relax and be like other kids, however not playing his part would bring a punishment worse than death, his dad’s disapproval.

Dad’s approval and affection meant everything to him. Dave, the hormonal driven teenager, continued to sexually abuse Paul. It lasted for two years until Dave graduated from high school and moved away. Somehow, Paul, this little boy, learned to achieve a mental dissociative state of transporting himself beyond time and space while being abused, daydreaming. It was like floating outside of his body. That’s how he survived.

Years later Paul sat in the sixty-four story building conference room overlooking the bay talking with his co-worker, Julian. Paul enjoyed Julians gregarious nature. Julian blasted.

“Dude! If I had the your talents, I’d take over the world. What’s holding you back?”

Paul shrugged his shoulders.

"Why does everyone keep saying that?”

Julian passionately exclaimed.

“Paul you’re such a perfectionist and so diligent with your program coding. It’s overkill, but your results are awesome. You’re a programming genius. You could do so much more and get paid bank. What are you waiting for? Why are you always apologizing for your talent?”

Paul felt the penetrating sting of Julian’s words. He admired Julian like a brother. Paul churned on the inside, but he hid it. You could always count on him to be there through thick or thin, even if he didn’t want to be there. He was there for every worship service, work party, and social activity, helping when sick. He would compliantly help move his friends although his back condition should disqualified him. He self-sacrificed constantly and served others without regard for self. Sounds like a great guy.

His coveted beliefs were killing him. Give your all or nothing! That philosophy made everything okay even the unhealthy stuff. Paul sent a father’s day card several weeks ago. After the incident, it had been two years since he had any interaction with his family. He opened the mailbox and noticed the returned card.

“Again?” He muttered.

Second year in a row his Father’s day card had been returned. However this time there was small legible writing on the outside. Under the return to sender stamp he noticed a small note written by his stepmother.

“You’re to blame for your father’s condition and your mom’s nervous breakdown.”

Fury, sadness and frustration overwhelmed him. He clinched and crumpled the card in his hand as his knees buckled to the ground. He sobbed, yelling in desperation toward the sky.

“ Why can’t you love me? I didn’t mean to hurt you. I’m sorry dad that I didn’t keep our secret.”

Paul’s father was one of his sexual abusers.

The contents of the website are for educational informational purposes only. The content is not intended to be a substitute for professional mental health advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your mental health professional or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding your condition.  © since 2001 Safe Place for Male Survivors.com   Gray Matter Coaching. Sacramento, CA